A "Quick" Star Wars
by Drekkler
Summary: The result of the use of an instant plot device leads to confessions, and lots of other stupid stuff.


At Professor X's mansion, Spyke was watching Star Wars for the first time.  
  
"DUDE! THIS ROCKS!" he said. He then got to the finale, and realized he had nothing else to do.  
  
"What am I gunna do?" he asked himself. "Hmm.... it would be cool if something like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalkers 'I am your father!' stuff was real...."  
  
That's when he remembered that there were instant plot devices! He ordered his from ACME, then stuck in in water, AND OUT PLOPPED A PLOT!  
  


************************

  
  
It was late at Bayville High School. However, in Mystique's Office, the Brotherhood of Mutants were plotting their next big "thing." However...... no one was paying attention. Avalanche and Quicksilver were playing Pokemon TCG, The Blob was watching re-runs of My Little Pony, and Toad was listening to Korn.  
  
"OK! LISTEN UP TROOPS!" screamed Mystique.  
  
Avalanche and Quicksilver continued playing Pokemon TCG. Avalanche drew out a Golem and had it use Earthquake, whereas Quicksilver had his specialized Pikachu use Agility.  
  
"GRRRR! AVALANCHE! HELMEEET!"  
  
"Ah, come on! In my contract it clearly states I didn't have to wear ANY GOOFY KIND OF HELMET! So I ain't wearin' no helmet! It's friggin' embarrasing!" He crumbled it and toss the remains out the window.  
  
"COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME ON COME OOOOOOON!" Quicksilver was screaming at him while he spoke to Mystique. He ran around the room three times messing up their card game.  
  
"ARRRRRRRGH!" screeched Mystique. "WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THE HARD PAAART?!?! QUICKSILVER!"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"Go get me a martini! Stirred, not shaken!"  
  
"Oh-" Quicksilver did a double take. "Stirred, not shaken? Huh?"  
  
"I'M NOT JAMES BOND DAMMIT! NOW GO GET ME MY SHAKEN MARTINI!"  
  
Quicksilver stood confused.  
  
"You want that Shaken or Stirred?"  
  
"I SAID STIRRED! DIDN'T I!?!"  
  
"Uhm, no yo-"  
  
"AAAAARGH!" Mystique transformed into a large devil horned monster. "I-SAID-SHAKEN!"  
  
Quicksilver scratched his head, grabbed his fake ID, then ran off and in a flash came back with a shaken martini. "GOD DAMMIT! I WANTED THIS STIRRED!" screamed Mystique. She decked Quicksilver right in the face and he started crying.  
  
"WAAAAAAAAH!" he wailed. It took a blow from the Blob who was in a heavily emotional scene in his cartoon to make Quicky shut up.  
  
"ANYWAYS! ATTEEEEEEEEENTION!" screeched Mystique. "HERE'S OUR NEW PLAN!"  
  
"WHY-MUST-YOU-KEEP-YELLING!?!" asked Toad. He took off his earphones.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! THIS IS THE WAY I ALWAYS TALK!" said Mystique.  
  
"Hey, she does," Blob thought for a moment, "I mean, she can never lower his voice level and stuff."  
  
"WELL WHATEVER! ANYWAYS! TONIGHT WE'LL BE INFILTRATING XAVIERS MANSION! FULL SCALE ATTACK! ALL THAT CRAP!"  
  
This time she "spoke" so loud that Quicksilver woke up.  
  
"Huh? What? What'd I miss? Did you guys destroy the world without me? Did the Blob wear spandex? Did Avalanche not say 'rock' and sound like a 14-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio? Did Jean Gray get a nickname? Did Blob not sound constapated? Did I get married to Crystal and have a daughter named Luna?"  
  
"............. huh?"  
  
"Uhm, nothing......."  
  
"LISTEN PUNK!" yelled Avalanche, "I DO NOT ALWAYS SAY ROCK AND SOUND LIKE RETARDO DICK 'I'M-ON-CRACK-EE-OO!"  
  
"Yes, YOU DO."  
  
"No, I DON'T!"  
  
"CAN WE JUST LEAVE ALREADY?" screamed Mystique. She had already had a long day and did SURE AS HELL not need THIS.  
  
"I'm one step ahead of y'all," said Toad as he climbed into Mystique's car outside.  
  
At Professor Xavier's Mansion, Spyke was playing Basketball with Nightcrawler when a rather familar and omnious streak of blue and white ran by.  
  
Spyke and Nightcrawler easily identified who it was, and they threw off their regular clothes revealing X-Men uniforms they some how miraculously fit underneath. However, while he in the middle of "changing," Quicksilver dashed by again and they............ switched clothes. Quicksilver did a full 360 and they both looked at each other.  
  
"HOW do you wear THIS MUCH spandex?" asked Spyke.  
  
"DUDE! How does elf both fit in these gloves?" asked Quicksilver.  
  
"Uhm, these clothes are vit vig for me, jaaah," said Nightcrawler.  
  
"Try again!"  
  
Over at the front door, Toad and Mystique were looking for some kind of way in.  
  
"Y'know, there's an easier way," said Avalanche.......... and in rammed Blob right into Professor X's dining room window, where Shadow Cat, Rogue, Jean, and Cyclops all decided to play Strip Poker........  
  
"HE-EH!" screeched Shadow Cat, Rogue and Jean.  
  
Avalanche, Blob and Toad's eyes all popped out then they all did the gentlemen thing and turned around..........  
  
"Damn," said Blob, "Shadow Cat's highly underdeveloped."  
  
"WHA-WHAT?"  
  
"Dude, Avalanche, why'd you like try to hit on her and crap if she has absolutely..... nothing."  
  
Avalanche wimpered, and made a tremor in front of the Blob causing him to fall backwards and land right ontop of Cyclops, Rogue and Jean. Shadow Cat too, but she easily escaped.  
  
"So, THAT'S why you like tricked me and crap! You like like me!" said Shadow Cat.  
  
While she was doing her valley girl crap, Avalanche pulled out sunglasses........ and a slighty familar Men in Black object.....  
  
"I'm agent A, and I'm gunna rock- no wait..... I'm agent A, and I'm gunna rumble- no wait, I'm THE GREAT AGENT A AND YOU WILL REMEMBER NOTHING!" He pressed the button and everyone's memory was erased.  
  
A bit dazzled, the X-Men plus Blob and Toad all stood up.  
  
"Ok, NOW LETS FIGHT ALREADY!" whined Blob.  
  
At the Basketball Court, Quicksilver STILL hadn't gotten the costumes right.  
  
"LETS JUST TAKE OUT CLOTHES!" yelled Spyke. He grabbed his gloves, his costume, and his boots, leaving Quicksilver nude of everything but underwear, checkered PINK AND PURPLE boxers, socks, and Nightcrawler's belt. Nightcrawler took his belt leaving Quicksilver extremely cold. Spyke and Nightcrawler both looked at each other, and smiled.  
  
"He-hey! Gim-gimme ba-back ma-mah cl-clothes!" whined Quicksilver.  
  
"No vay mahn!" said Nightcrawler. He teleported off with Quicksilver's clothes.  
  
"HAHAHAHA!" said Spyke. He then felt his stomach. "I feel..... I feel a need for...... a need for..."  
  
"Speed?" finished Quicksilver. He took the drugs he got on the Black Market and held them up.  
  
"No........... for pink and purple checkered boxers!" he looked at his archnemesis, and fell over laughing.  
  
"Haha...." muttered Quicksilver.  
  
Spyke stood back up against and looked at Quicksilver, then fell over laughing yet again.  
  
"OK! WHAT'S SO FUNNY!?! ME IN BOXERS OR ME NUDE!?"  
  
Mystique, disguised as a James Bond Crack Whore, was climbing a wall up to the roof where she was to meet Magneto. When she finally reached the top, she found Magneto looking at a comic book.  
  
"Oh, hello Mystique," he said. "I am currently reading something called the Uncanny X-Men..... quite interesting. Anyways, how's our espionage plan going so far?"  
  
"IT SUCKS!" roared Mystique. "Blob, Avalanche and Toad are all currently fighting off some of the X-Men except those two adults, Sabertooth is no where in sight, and Quicksilver ran off somewhere!"  
  
"THAT'S IT!?!" screamed Magneto. "YOU LET QUICKSILVER RUN OFF BY HIMSELF!?! WHAT IF HE'S COLD AND HUNGRY..."  
  
"I'm hungry," wailed Quicksilver out on the basketball court, "and FREAKIN' FREEZING!" It was too cold of a night for him to even move.  
  
"Well, geez, you should be like hungry and crap, you're like anorexic!" said Spyke.  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"AND WHAT IF HE'S SUFFERING!? WHAT IF SOME OTHER MUTANT NOT SIZE IS PICKING ON HIM!?"  
  
"Uhm..... sir?" asked Mystique.  
  
Spyke began throwing spikes at Quicksilver.  
  
"OU! EH! OH! AH! AH!" he danced around aimlessly. "AH! COME ON! PICK ON A MUTANT YOUR SIZE!"  
  
"AND-what Mystique?"  
  
"Uhm, sir? We're here to take ov-"  
  
"BUT QUICKSILVER COMES FIRST!!!!! I'M COMING!"  
  
"Uhm....." Mystique stood there a bit flabbergasted.  
  
"Ma-Man, ma-my ja-job suh-sucks," said Quicksilver.  
  
"Listen, man," said Spyke. "There's a lighter side of things."  
  
"Re-Really?"  
  
"Yea! I'll promise to give you your clothes IF you join the X-Men!"  
  
"OK!" Spyke threw him his clothes and Spyke even drew little Octagon's with an X inside them on his shoulders.  
  
"COOL!" said Quicksilver. He leaped around.  
  
"Anyways....... our first thing we have to do as X-Men is defeat the big evil!"  
  
"Oh, you mean Magneto?"  
  
"Yea, that's his name? Ok, him them........ and it's a new comers tradition to get the first fight with him of the season, so, go ahead!"  
  
"COOL!" squealed Quicksilver.  
  
"Uhm, oh yea........ Magneto probably has a weapon, so, uhm, here...... take this blade that just so happens to be a lightsaber....."  
  
"Ok! But wait, why would I wanna fight the guy who got me out of prison?"  
  
"Uhm.... HE KILLED YOUR FATHER!"  
  
"!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"HEY! THERE HE IS! GO GET 'EM! MAKE THE X-MEN PROUD MAN!"  
  
"OOOOOOOKAY!" Quicksilver ran off, with Spyke laughing his ass off behind.  
  
Magneto and Quicksilver both met at a rather omnious platform high above the mansion. Below the X-Men and the Brotherhood all looked up wondering what was going on.  
  
"Uhm, well," confessed Spyke, "since Quicksilver's my like nemesis means I'm supposed to like tortue him and stuff, SOOOOOO!"  
  
Uptop, Quicksilver drew out his "lightsaber thingiemajigger" and rammed himself towards Magneto.  
  
"AHHHH! QUICKSILVER! WHAT'RE YOU DOING!!!!!"  
  
Quicksilver went a bit to far past Magneto and ended up latching onto a rather thin pole on the other side of him that could fall any minute. He hugged it and began wimpering.  
  
"Why're you doing this?" asked Magneto.  
  
"BECAUSE I'M A GOOD GUY NOW!"  
  
"WHY are you a good guy now?"  
  
"BECAUSE I HATE YOU!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"BECAUSE! YOU! KILLED! MY! FATHER!"  
  
"Uhm, no," said Magneto, "actually............ I AM YOUR FATHER!"  
  
Quicksilver began crying and jumped into his father's arms causing the entire platform to crash onto the "spectators" below.  
  
"AHHH! DAAAD!"  
  
"SOOOOON!"  
  
"HOLY CRAP WE'RE GUNNA DIE!!!"  
  
That next day, Quicksilver and Magneto were both playing "catch" at the Funny Farm. Quicksilver threw it semi-at Magneto's head.  
  
"AHHH! THAT'S MY SON!" cried Magneto.  
  
"Oh my GAWD," muttered Shadow Cat. She was being bandaged up by a nurse.  
  
"How sickening....." shruddered Mystique.  
  
"So, who's up for a game of Strip Poker?" asked Spyke. "We ain't got nothin' better to do."  
  
"Fine....." said Mystique, "I'll participate too."  
  
Later on......  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME! THIS IS NOT A COSTUME! MY SKIN IS BLUE! IT'S NOT A DAMNED BODY SUIT!" screamed Mystique.


End file.
